Squeezed "ball!"

By Ebenezer T. Bifubyeka.

THE earth is twirling, whirling and swirling! I see physical features of the ecosystem gyrating. The rotating environment is making me dizzy! I feel like I’m flying! Am I on a plane?

All I remember is that I was heading to Ruharo Beach beside River Rwizi to write about the lifestyle there. “I wonder how I got here? This is my girlfriend’s home; a whole kilometre away from road to the beach! Did I drop from a plane?” I try to find out what is going on. Everything is turning around - justifying the scientists' theory that the earth rotates on its axis. Today I am 'privileged' to observe this! I can physically see everything rotating around me!

After five minutes of continuous turning, nature stabilises. A miasma-like staff covers my eyes! Have I developed cataract? I use a finger to wipe the smog off my eyes. Good, I can now see properly! Praise God! I remember riding a bicycle. Then how come I’m lying on the ground?

"Ohhhh! What has happened to my ‘ball’?” I groan over the increasing pain! “What has hit it” I try to recall. Soon, a recollection of what has triggered off the hell of pain inside my ‘thingamabob’ (“testis”) starts unfolding: I was riding a carrier-less Comrade bicycle. Reaching at my girlfriend’s compound. Along the way, I rolled over a trivial heap of hard soil.

The bicycle abruptly pushed me up a bit before I hit my buttocks on the bicycle’s saddle. Accidentally, I sat on my left ‘ball!’ “Shit!!!” I grunt. This is why I lost control of my body and the bicycle thus falling flat like a silly drunkard! My paining right shoulder hit the hard, dry ground first. This is what happened. I’m still unable to stand up neither do I have the vigor to sit!

As I evoke all this mayhem, the pain emanating from the shoulder is exacerbated by the sharp and persistent pain within my ‘semen tank!’ I feel extra pain spreading from my ill-fated ‘thingamajig’ - through the stomach - to the brain! “Oh God, what has come over me?”

I’m still unable to stand! I struggle and sit on the ground. I stretch out my legs. I feel painful confusion in the mind! Am I getting mad? My mind is being locked in a prison of quagmire! God; the twinge is intensifying in my sperm ducts! Let me be brave like a Mukiga (my tribe) man.

Severe pain is flowing to the left side of my stomach! More pain coupled with ‘itching coldness’ are emerging at the back of my head! A tear rolls out of my right eye! I believe the ‘ball’ I sat on did burst like a raw egg! I must be experiencing my last moments on earth, I swear!

What sort of a lousy Sunday is this? Is it because I did not go to Church this morning? As I lament alone, my sweet heart, Ronah dashes out of the house with her “figure-14,” sprinkling smiles! Jesus of Nazareth, what the hell am I going to tell her? She stares at me as I uncover my mandibles. I’m not laughing but the pain is compelling me to open my mouth! I grit my teeth!

Ronah rushes closer and hugs me. She asks me why I'm crying? Short of words, I whisper my e-mail: tenbifubyeka@yahoo.com to her. She smiles. After a minute of silence, I tell Ronah to wait here and limp to the makeshift nearby. I remove my shorts and underwear and stare at my “tennis.” “Yesu asiimwe! Igosi ryangye rihuriire,” I speak Rukiga meaning, “Thank you Jesus! My ‘ball’ is intact!”

On my way back from the urinal, Ronah rushes and grabs my right hand. “Honey, how are you feeling now?” she asks. I reply, "I’m getting better." "That's good," she responds. I add, "Today is fools’ day. And this 'stupid' bicycle has 'fooled' me! But never mind." Ronah nods.

"My dear, visit me on “Good Friday!” I beg of Ronah. "I will. And I will pray that you get better," commits herself. "Thank you very much my 'Queen.' Take care of yourself," I say to her. Together with my confused mind, “we” (or ‘I’) stagger home. The ebbing pain can’t let me ride the ‘impudent’ and merciless bicycle again. I just push it home! Alas! My beach story has ‘died!’ But anyway, I have got a story. And this is the story!

· Ends.
Word count: 742.